nights like these .. tear me apart

being at school im starting to see a few things about myself .. before i can explain that to anyone .. this is needs to be said and understood...

you are the air i breathe and the sun that warms me. you are the smell before the rain and every song that blares through my speakers. youre the ripped jeans in my closet and the second hand smoke that fills my lungs. youre in everything i do and everything i say.
i find parts of you in my everyday life that i cant escape. and truly honestly.. there is never a day that passes where i dont think of who id be if you never left .. because i know who i am now is nothing like you made me. its nothing like id be if i had you at my side. i love you. i find it so hard to admit at times but its true.. i love you. and i hate myself for it.
youre the reason i put every wall up.. and will probably never let them down again. youre the reason i dont come home. i dont go to the places i use to go to. i dont let anyone get to close to me anymore. i dont let people in. i cant even explain to people because until they know who you are .. they will never understand. and i can never bring myself to show them the real you. i push people aside., i brush everything off., i dont let anyone know my life back home because all it is.. is you. and youre not there anymore. therefore there is not life back home.
even if for some reason we met again .. and things changed .. it wont ever be the same. because i will never allow myself near you again. i will never let myself be that vulnerable again.

a few people (one in particular) started pointing out to me how closed off i really am. and how i dont talk. i can retrace everything back and it always leads to you. everything i am right now and everything i do to protect myself from ever getting hurt again .. its because of you. everyone i know will never guess it .. but its true .. you are my fault in life. my major flaw that keeps me from ever wanting to feel that hurt or scared or vulnerable or used again in my life. i guess the events that took place .. they kept me there for awhile thinking things could change. this was love. this was what i wanted so badly. i crumbled every wall. i pushed back every fear and i took a chance because you showed me i deserved better. you showed me that not everyone in this world was going to fuck me over and leave .. and then you turned around and you left. and everything you ever said about me deserving better .. it just left my mind. and i was back at square one.

so to answer the question "what happened that made me not trust anyone / made me built such high walls / made me keep everyone on the outside" .. you are what happened. you are everything that tore through me and made it harder to breathe. you are everything that built those walls.

i found every old conversation we use to have on aim.
all those pictures .,
the ones of us at council cup.
i still have your music on my computer and every time it plays you stil cross my mind.
i spent the past two months forcing myself to forget you but its so hard when everytime i turn around theres something that reminds me of you.

ill admit it .. rob was love. he was a twisted fucked up type of love that i could never let go of .. until i met you. because you showed me i deserved better. you proved to me that i didnt need the shit he was giving me. you were the good type of love for me ..
it just sucks how it all ended ..
how going home this weekend i KNOW im gonna run into you .. i know theres no avoiding this. i know your gonna turn your head .. and i know i wont be able to breathe.

"you have this effect on me that i cant let go of. i just wanna breathe you in and forget everyone else around me."
"if only it were that simple, babe."

i see now that it really was that simple.
you made it more complicated than it needed to be.

i still wear that damn ring.. i wish youd take it back because i cant bring myself to take it off =/

so its after 3 in the morning and i cant sleep.. im pretty sure my room mates struggling to sleep because im wide awake. its whatever.
i miss my home lately.. i cant wait for fall break. i need a little vacation from mansfield.
i miss council cup. i really cant wait to get back out there. i miss watching the sunset from there. i miss the resevior .. i cant go out there yet though not til next summer. its the one place i cant bring myself to go to. i miss dc nights. i miss terray visiting me at work. and drew and chris busting on me all the time for my dumb mistakes. i miss cales jokes and pepitos singing. i miss SND with alexa and partying with dan and kle. i miss long pointless drives and jamming out to music while driving through the valley. i miss even miss those rides with fink ;] i miss sitting in the hippie van with trisha listening to brandon and luke play the guitars. i miss campfires in my backyard. and brandons band playing. i miss concrete city and the powder hole. i miss julie coming to the rescue. and penguin .. i miss adam so much. i miss dans taste in music. i miss hanging out with kle. i miss late night talks. and free coffees from sarissa.

ahh im going to sleep..

its hard to think that a year ago was the last time i ever saw you.
the last time i saw that crooked smirk on your face
or hear your voice. you use to talk so quietly at first cause you were so shy.
everytime i wasnt in class id be walking around the halls and i always ran into you. "get to class! stop stalking me!" its been a long hard year without you. i keep thinking what would you being doing if you were still here. what schools would you be looking at. if youd still go for a history major or if youd wait and join the peace core first.
every missed memory. every chance taken for granted. every smile i over looked. every laugh i thought nothing of. id give every breath to go back to that morning. sitting in class. i remember it so clearly. you were right there. i could reach out and touch you. i talked to you. i laughed with you that morning. i never thought anything of it. i never thought itd be the last time i ever saw you. that next morning and every day after that.. it killed going in that room. that empty desk. no one could look at. i still remember auggie sitting there just asking why. staring at your empty seat.

"an angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up knowing that hes fine. we'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime"
9.30.08 & 10.3.08
rest in peace steven & paul

in life and death youve always stole my heart
i miss you so much paulie <3

i cant put into words how this week has been so far. tomorrow night i have to stand in a room for four hours and watch people walk through and say goodbye to the strongest man i have ever known. then thursday i have to say my final goodbyes to him.

i guess in some way ive been preparing myself for this.. all summer whenever anything went even slightly downhill i would tell myself to just breathe and that he can pull through this.. hes already beat everything else life threw at him. nd yet you still kinda sat and told yourself "okay.. things are bad. you need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst"
well since ive been in college ive been thinking things are going good.. until this past week. when i last saw him.. i knew he wasnt that good. when my parents didnt call my back saturday night i knew something wasnt right. waking up sunday morning at 8 am to my dad saying he wasnt doing good.. i knew i had basically no time left and then my mom calling me back and hour later to tell me it was too late.. yeah. nothing else i can say.

my grandfather is the strongest guy i ever met. he literally pulled through everything. i always thought of him as superman. seriously to me he was superman. ive never seen someone pull through some of the things he has. everyone always assumed this was just another lifes struggle he was going to overcome. but i guess we were wrong. he didnt pull through this one. he believed in me. he always pushed me to succeed. like honestly hes one of the main reasons im in college right now. he always told me he believed i could pull through anything. he knew i would do great things in life.. i would succeed in my dreams. even when i didnt think i would he did.

i cried on sunday.. but being at college helped a little.. my friends kept me busy enough that i didnt have the time to stop and think and cry. but when i got home today.. it hit me harder. like seeing my grandmother cry .. that sucked. seeing my mom cry.. that was even worse. tomorrows my moms anniversary and she has to spend it at her fathers viewing. she showed me this picture of her on her wedding day and its her and pappy.. and idk. i dont know how my mom is doing this. i dont get how shes doing this.. i dont get how ryans doing this. ive never seen my brother cry but im pretty sure im going to in the next two days..

i just hate this .. you can never prepare yourself enough for something like this..
and i .. i just dont know.
i dont know how to handel this.
i dont know how to deal with this at all..
i said goodbye to people before.. but this is more personal.. hes the only grandfather i ever knew. i never met my other one.. he pushed me in life so much. i was there all summer. i really believed he would pull through.
i dont know how to do this..

tomorrow is going to take more strength then i think i have in me..

</3 rest in peace pappy. your always in my heart and i love you forever